Accident

My son asked me this question early, after an all-nighter with the little one cutting teeth. And my answer was weak, halting, unconvincing to say the least... "Mom, was I an accident?" You see this amazing treasure of mine was born when I was 19, a freshman in college, a baby myself. And I answered something trite like..."yeah, but alot of babies are unplanned" something generic. I did not answer your heart. 


The dictionary describes an accident as: " an unforeseen and unplanned event or circumstance"

So yes my son you were indeed an unforseen and unplanned event or circumstance to me. You were indeed conceived outside of God's perfect plan. You were conceived in iniquity just like David. And I hear the pain in your voice behind the question and it breaks my heart. I know you suffer with this. I know things seem imperfect and you wonder "why me?".  And I have no answer for you babe accept I'm sorry and I'm not.

You see I am sorry, deeply sorry, that I disobeyed the Lord. I grieved him when I decided to go my own way. I am sorry that it has cost the ones I love deeply.  It has cost you deeply.  But I am not sorry you are here. I am not sorry that I get to wake up every day and see YOUR face smiling at me. I am not sorry that I get to see your love of music and laugh at your funny jokes.  I am not sorry that I have been privileged to watch you grow, to see glimmers of the Lord in you, to see you choose Him and choose life. I am not sorry that I got to wipe your tears and kiss your boo-boos. I am not sorry that I saw your first steps and heard your first words. I am not sorry that I get to watch you jump and run and laugh and write and sing and live.  I am not sorry.

And more importantly than all of that, this is what the Word, the only right answer, says...

" For you formed my inward parts;

                        you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

            I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

            Wonderful are your works;

                        my soul knows it very well.

            My frame was not hidden from you,

            when I was being made in secret,

                        intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

            Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

            in your book were written, every one of them,

                        the days that were formed for me,

                        when as yet there was none of them.

(Psalm 139:13-16 ESV)

So He knew my son. You were not a surprise to Him. 

I love you more than words can say!

Mom