Estes!!

Just the big crew on this trip and we had fun!!

 Hiking and,

 Hiking and,

more hiking!

Three!

Oh Sweet Baby Girl, 

How can one little girl be such a bundle of WOW? I am so intrigued to see how God is going to use the gifts he gave you. You are so intense. You do everything hard. You run hard, you play hard, you cry hard and you love hard. It is amazing how contagious your joy is. You light up a room with your laughter often. Life with you keeps me full of both gratitude and desperation and I am seeing clearly how well those two things go together.  

 We've had several easy months where your obedience was quick and your countenance joyful. Right now you are in a season of testing the boundaries again and your Daddy and I are walking you through it. We know the discipline is for your good, but its hard. We are looking forward to seeing the Lord's fruit from it. I love how you make up songs and sing them in the car.

 You are a quick learner and Daddy is teaching you lots of Scripture and we just started working on the Heidelberg catechism. I am excited for you to have all these precious truths in your little mind and praying that the Lord will quickly move them to your heart. What an amazing gift you are to me Eliya Grace! 

One Year Old!

Well,  I meant to do this at a year, but time got away from me like it often does with these things and now you are already 14 months. Sweet Jadon this first year with you flew. Since I last wrote you are doing some seriously awesome stuff. You've got bunches of words and I love to hear you trying to put them together. Some of my favorites are "cracker" and "outside". Your most used words are probably "mama" and "water". 

 You are trying out your climbing legs. You love to climb up on mama's bed, but you often fall off. I just weaned you and now you just crawl up in my lap several times a day for a quick snuggle. You and your sissy are learning to get along. You sometimes bite and pinch her, but we are teaching you to be kind. She shares with you so well, most of the time :), the two of you spend hours playing outside. It's such a treat to watch you together. 

Your birthday was awesome. We dedicated you to the Lord in front of lots of friends and family. We prayed for you and committed to raising you in the fear of the Lord and so many people stood with us and committed to walking through this journey with us. You a truly blessed! Love you bud! 

Vision

So, I am a little late for a New Years Resolution, but I can't shake this. It's not even a resolution really, just a big ask. The Word says without vision the people will perish. Vision: a word from the Lord, especially concerning future events.  If we don't have this we perish. We have got to know where we are and where we are going. We must have purpose and direction or we perish. What does perish mean? Perish means to be without restraint. Restraint is a beautiful thing. To be without restraint is death. I have lived certain areas of my life without restraint and sometimes my soul fears restraint. The very thing it needs. We are mixed up. We think restraint takes something away from us. Indeed it is just the opposite. Freedom is not the ability to say yes to everything, but it is the ability to say no to ourselves. What gives us this beautiful gift? Vision. So I am asking the Lord for this. I am asking for vision for myself and some incredible women in my life and my church. Without vision the people perish...vision causes us to live! So I here I sit in full expectation for the Lord to give me vision for motherhood and for being a wife and for all the good works he has already prepared for me. Not a light coming form heaven vision, or a writing on the wall vision, although those would be great, but a quiet and confident heart vision, trusting Him to direct my steps vision. I am trusting that as I go to Him he alone is able to fill my heart with purpose and He will do so! 

Proverbs 29:18

9 months

Sweet Jadon,

What did we ever do before your smiles around here? 9 months tomorrow. 

You have gotten so big so fast! 

Crawling is by now an old hat. You are working on the walking thing. You love when someone holds your hands and walks you around the house. You can stand up on your own for a handful of seconds. And that smile.

You love to wave hi and bye-bye and you say dada and a form of Isaiah that I hope I never forget the sound of. You love to climb on your big sister and cover her with big slobbery kisses.

You love to snuggle down when we dance in the kitchen. If I would let you you would live on baked oatmeal and applesauce. Those are definitely your faves. Life is so much sweeter with you in it! 

Learning

 We are all in a season of learning and life is sweet around here these days. Isn't the Lord sweet to teach us?  Little Jadon just learned to crawl and he is already getting into everything. He is such a sweet little guy, easy going, with a ready smile. We are beyond thankful for this little guy. Eliya gently and sometimes not so gently, explains life to him in her sweet two year old little voice. Eliya is learning obedience and submission and manners. She always mixes up asking to be excused from the table and saying excuse me when she wants to talk. Johnny and I will be talking in the car and she pipes in "May I be excused". She is learning to sit still with her hands in her lap. (I think we are successfully up to 2 minutes) while we read our Bible story in the morning. I love this girl with a big fierce love. She is teaching me so much about what is important.She is in a season of learning so much and who has the Lord given the privilege of teaching her these things? This momma. SO I am learning to lay aside the things that are not as important in exchange for the great work that the Lord has given me of raising this little girl. Oh my fiesty little bundle of joy. She is so energetic and creative. She loves to dance and to sing. I think her favorite thing in the world is to play with water. So some days we just go with it. We grab towels and buckets and cups and just sit on the kitchen floor for a good long while and pour water. I digress...learning.

Isaiah...well this boy is learning HOW TO DRIVE!! How did we get here. How is it that I hear a man's voice when he calls me from the basement. How in the world is he 6 ft tall and strong enough to beat me in an arm wrestle. Yes he's learning how to drive. He's learning other important things to, like how to navigate relationships and how to prioritize time and Lord please teach his heart the most important thing. Please teach him to hear your voice. Help us not to get in the way, but to direct him to You in every circumstance. 

Me,  I am learning to give myself grace in figuring out this stay at home mom thing. By His sweet grace I am learning to rely on Him in the moment more than ever before and to let things go that are just not that important. It's like I know the secret and it takes practice. Practice to set my mind on Him. To train myself to think the right way at the right time. That is our work. To believe. That is what Jesus said when the people asked Him, "How do we work the works of God?"... We believe on the one whom He is sent and believing is a gift, but the Lord asks us to be diligent to put that gift to work. We must take our thoughts captive...we must set our affections on things above...we must consider Him. These things are worth our time and our effort. And even our effort we trust to come from Him. It's a mystery really...a stunning beautiful mystery...a mystery worth reveling in and pursuing with all of our hearts. and when we look at the right things what can come forth but worship. Oh the sweetness of Jesus. 

So a season of learning around here. Grateful for the most patient teacher! 

Doing 2 with Eliya Grace

OH sweet girl! You are so full of life. And this season it's a hard one. It is a season of training for you most definitely, but I have a sneaking suspicion it is also a season of training for me. You see you are fiercely independent. God has chosen to gift you with the desire to set things in order and make sure all is as it should be, but you are two. You are two and you are having to learn to submit. And I pray the Lord would cause your Daddy and I to be faithful and diligent to teach you this. Because I know that gift sweet girl. I know it and submission does not come easy to those like us, but it is sweet. To be under God's authority and if the Lord is willing your husbands authority is not grievous. It is a great and precious gift and with all my heart I want to teach you this now that you would quickly submit when the Father asks things of you.

And while I am teaching you the Lord is teaching me the same lesson even still. HE is speaking to me. He is teaching me again to willingly lay my life down. Our days right now are full of fits and fussing and you are pulling hard against Mommy and Daddy. The days seem long so that I am ready to lay down on my pillow at 3:00 in the afternoon. And you are not sleeping well and you are wanting your own way in everything. I mean everything. But I know, even when I don't remember, that this time is opportunity to give you the gift of submission. And only God can give you a heart for it and I pray even now that He would do this soon.

But I would be remiss if I did not record the sweet, sweet moments of joy. Motown dance parties in the kitchen, the way you love to comb my hair. The funny way you say poo poo, so that daddy makes you say it over and over. You are so smart sweet girl. You amaze me daily with the connections you figure out and the way you are able to retain information. You love to pick out your own clothes and as long as both items have pink in them you declare them a perfect match. You love to jump, you can jump far and high like your daddy. You love to give daddy big long snuggles or sneak in when daddy is hugging mommy and do a giant family hug. You love to read books. I have yet to read until you wanted to be finished. I'm not sure how long that would take. I love you sweet girl. With all my heart.

Eliya Grace Miscellaneous Mumblings

Just a few sweet things said by my 2 year old love. Written here so I can chuckle at them a month from now, a year from now, ten years from now. Tonight we were having family time and talking about things that are hard in our life and how we can apply scriptu

re to those things. Eliya girl wanted a turn and she said this: 
 "What's hard in my life is reading my Bible because reading is so hard in my life." I wish I could record here the pained look on your sweet face at the difficulty of not being able to read :)

Some other cute things you say right now. You mix up words of a couple specific things like, nail polish to you is "polish nail" every time. Something new is "new brand" instead of brand new. 

There are moments when I wish you would stay this small forever, but other moments when I can't wait to see who you are becoming. 

We are in a rough patch right now. You are showing some defiance and spankings are not uncommon. You are, like all of us, fallen and sinful and born rebellious. We are learning and walking beside you and asking the Lord for His tender mercy towards you and for wisdom in training you. 

Sweet baby girl, you are the most exuberant little thing I have ever seen. You love to jump and run fast...super fast. You get so excited to show everything to your daddy. You love to read books and you love Curious George. 

Mi Vida Loca

Aaaahhhh Life... I am sure anyone with toddlers will be able to relate, but today just felt crazy. It's our anniversary. 9 years today with the man who is quite literally everything I need in a man.  His strengths so often shoring up my weaknesses and even his weaknesses perfectly suited to grow me into the woman God intended for me to be. We made beautiful plans for our anniversary. A nice dinner, a movie and in the morning... a hike and coffee at our favorite spot, just the two of us. But alas, what are we doing instead??? Cleaning up puke and rocking crying babies. Taking turns passing the kids back and forth for the tasks that are suited best to each one of us. Mom cleans up the puke, while Daddy rocks the baby. Mom nurses the baby, Daddy tells a story and rocks the sweet, sick little baby girl to sleep. And in the midst of all of this you look at me and I know what you are thinking. You are thinking you wouldn't trade this for all the world. The look on your face says you are grateful for me, grateful for us and this crazy messy life the Lord has given. You look at me like I am beautiful even though I am wearing my "I have been puked on too many times to count" outfit. (I know it's not cute) But my heart is happy, at rest and I truly believe this is exactly what I needed. I don't think the perfect dinner or the perfect latte or the perfect quiet would have made this anniversary any better. Thank you my love, thank you for being you, for laughing with me at our foiled plans and messy house, for being patient with me for nine years, for whispering just the right words in my ear as we fall asleep. You are most certainly the love of my life and I treasure all these crazy days and this crazy life with you.

Opportunity

My lack of sleep, nursing, no exercise, etc. are opportunities to present my body as a living sacrifice to Him. 

Opportunity to give up my rights for the sake of others.

Opportunity to do unto others as I would have them do unto me. 

Thank you Lord- for opportunity to know you in these things!

*Written the first couple of weeks that Jadon was here

Jadon Zakai

Jadon Zakai Levy, 

Life is amazing. A Life where there was before no life. A whole entire human being. History forever changed. 

A letter I wrote to you your first day home. 

Jadon- so grateful- Jadon Zakai- pure gratitude

May your life be lived this way son.  In pure gratitude to the One who gave it to you. You have inspired this already- gratitude to your Creator. 

You are a reminder that nothing belongs to us. All things are given to us by the Author and Creator of life- every good and perfect thing comes from Him.

Your entrance into this world wasn't easy. You got turned the wrong way, a bit stuck. And life is like that, son. You may get turned around and stuck, but trust that He knows. 

In everything give thanks. He is indeed perfecting everything concerning you! 

Blowing It

I'm blowing it big time today. Missed a Dr. appt.  Forgot to cancel friends bringing meals. Got almost nothing done. I have a super crabby baby, a teenager frustrated about homework and a husband who needs love and attention. I can't handle it. As small as my life is I can't handle it. I have days like this. And maybe these days are the most precious because I am reminded most on days like today of my need for Him. And my need reminds me that I have provision. All the energy and time and love and patience I need I have in Him. I can take a deep breath.

 In HIM I live and move and have my being. Acts 17:28

Grasping

     How do you hold on to all that's dear?  Like memory of Eliya stealing cookies with Jed at Bible Study on Thursday or the way she said oatmeal yesterday...all 3 syllables in a sing-song voice OAT-ME-AL. She was so proud! I think she said oatmeal about 300 times that day. 

The talk with my precious son in the car about fighting the fight of faith and refusing to allow the enemy room to separate relationship. How do I take a snapshot of these moments that I can keep forever? 

Can I freeze frame that boys precious smile that still, every once in awhile says "play with me momma". 

The way I feel when Eliya says, "I love you" to Nana on the phone, or how she sings the first few words of Baa Baa black sheep and looks at you, waiting until you sing the rest.  Will I forget the way she dances now, or how she loves the song, "Stuck Like Glue". 

Because we do forget. We forget the important things. At least I do. 

The Lord speaks and I rejoice in the moment. The moment is full and precious, but I so easily forget. The unimportant things creep in and make themselves all important. They scream for attention and I lose my grasp on the treasure. 

Oh Jesus, teach me to hold on to treasure and let go of all else. 

Your Days are Already Numbered

Your Days are Already Numbered

Your days are already numbered.

We thought you were gone. Thought we lost you.

We wept for you- sweet child that we have never met. 

We long for you - wait for you -care for you.

But we know - we know you are ultimately His.

He has decided your days before the beginning.

Your sister with her wild hair and wild smile

        She is ultimately HIS

Your brother, suave and debonair - almost a man

         He is ultimately HIS

Everyday is a gift he gives, but did not have to. 

Every smile from Eliya

Every joke from Isaiah

Every inch you grow 

Every second I am privileged to carry your growing life in me

Gifts

Gifts He does not owe, but lavishes on me. 

Daily.

And the loss...

that is from Him too

from the same hand good hand that paints the sunsets. 

One year and walking

My sweet Eliya Grace...


One year old. I cannot believe it. I know it is cliche to say this, but it happened so fast. You my sweet angel, bring so much joy it is immeasurable.


We had a small celebration at Nana and Papa's. I made cupcakes and you ate a whole one. No surprise there :) You are a fantastic eater. 

Some new things you are doing
.you make the cutest scrunchy face when you smile
.you still love peek a boo and hiding behind the curtains is your favorite game
.you make the cutest little face when we tell you to smile
.you threw your first official fit the other day, daddy and I just watched you and shook our heads
. WALKING!!! SO fun. You started this just a couple of days after your birthday.


You love your brother, but sometimes you get a little feisty with him. You are still shy, but you like to peek around mommy and smile at new people.  We are starting to see your personality a little bit more. You definitely let us know when you don't like something. You are such and adventurous girl. We are trying to teach you to carefully go down stairs feet first, but you always want to jump down. Needless to say you are not very cautious.


We are just starting to discipline, and it is hard to know how much you understand, but we are counting on consistency and the Holy Spirits constant guidance. This part is scary for me because I know we won't always make the right call. But we are determined to raise you up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord and are trusting for His blessing on this!  This first year with you has been such a blessing. Lord willing there will be many more to come!

Love you Miss Eliya Grace!

Heart towards Salvation

It often happens that the Lord speaks in groups to me. Maybe because I am still to busy about other things to listen the first time and it takes that to get my attention.

Salvation...why is it that sharing the gospel is so often overlooked, difficult, deemed unimportant. Isn't this the most important thing? At church on Sunday Adam showed a video of this atheist and one thing stuck out to me. He said he has no respect for people who do not proselytize.  He's right. If we really believe that Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life, why the hesitancy to share it?  If I believe I have the answer why not give it joyously? Why?

My husband said something to me the other day about a separate issue, but I think it applies here. He said we have got to stop letting the culture dictate so much of our thoughts about what is right and wrong. See our culture says everyone has the right to believe what they want. We shouldn't throw our religion in people's faces. But if we believe that without Jesus people are dying an eternal death it should be worth whatever risks are involved.

Ann Voskamps blog today was about sharing Jesus in the airport, and about how often we are indeed ashamed of the gospel. We are afraid to appear weak, or dumb or any number of things.

The movie "The Fountain"... so many questions about life and death and what comes after. And I am shaken up. I should be at peace about all of this...right??

Lord give a heart that sings salvation loud and clear.

Airplanes and Urgent Care

Texas is hard.  I don't know if it's the memories of the long hours and missing my family or the heartache we went through while living there. I don't know if it's the dirty Burger King or the muggy weather. Texas is just hard for me.  But there are people there that we love and so we went. We went to celebrate a graduation, a passing into adulthood and he looks like an adult and talks like an adult and the passing of time shakes me up a bit.

And it is not only hard, but good too. It's good to see the face of one of my dearest friends and talk and laugh with her again. It's always the same with us. The passing of time and the distance don't seem to change much of anything.

But it's hard like I said and I feel distant from God there.  The old questions of why attempting to sneak back up and become forefront in my mind again. The reminder of failures knocks and I fight not to let them in. And in the midst of this our gracious God sends something else. The baby gets sick.

Day One I am thinking just a fever, bummer, but no big deal. Just means some extra time laying low in the hotel room and fewer late nights and dinners out. Even sounds a little bit nice, being stuck in the hotel with two of my favorite people.

Day Two we find the blood in her diaper and I am definitely worried. We call the doctor and it is getting worse and worse. Me, I am getting worse and worse and just want to get her home. We drive to San Antonio and to urgent care and they seem less than competent to a mother with a screaming baby. And I fall apart. I wonder if God has ever wanted to fall apart. I mean, I know he can't because he's God. but does he ever want to?

I missed out on the opportunity to trust Him. To stand firm and what He is showing me is this:

Circumstances are not excuses for lack of faith, they are our opportunities for faith to be made real.  I mostly missed this one. I had moments. Moments where my thoughts were right and I was calling on Him. But mostly I fell apart. And grace is that He is teaching me even in my failure.

My husband, strong, steady. I get to see what he's made of in these moments.

We get home, Eliya steadily improving. The doctors office calls and says the lab results look bad and it might be something serious and they are calling a specialist. And yes I was afraid, but also I was aware. I was aware of my opportunity to walk by faith. It seemed like a second chance of sorts. By grace I was careful how I spoke and I was trusting and waiting without worrying.

The next day our own pediatrician called and said basically that it was a false alarm. That we would watch her closely, but she didn't see anything to worry about.

I am grateful for the story with a happy ending and a lesson learned. I pray that I will continue to walk more and more by faith and less and less by sight.

AS a side note Eliya did wonderfully on her first airplane trip. On the way there she slept. On the way home, late at night, she was awake and squirmy as ever, but happy and making the people around her happy. We were just grateful she wasn't screaming :)

Accident

My son asked me this question early, after an all-nighter with the little one cutting teeth. And my answer was weak, halting, unconvincing to say the least... "Mom, was I an accident?" You see this amazing treasure of mine was born when I was 19, a freshman in college, a baby myself. And I answered something trite like..."yeah, but alot of babies are unplanned" something generic. I did not answer your heart. 


The dictionary describes an accident as: " an unforeseen and unplanned event or circumstance"

So yes my son you were indeed an unforseen and unplanned event or circumstance to me. You were indeed conceived outside of God's perfect plan. You were conceived in iniquity just like David. And I hear the pain in your voice behind the question and it breaks my heart. I know you suffer with this. I know things seem imperfect and you wonder "why me?".  And I have no answer for you babe accept I'm sorry and I'm not.

You see I am sorry, deeply sorry, that I disobeyed the Lord. I grieved him when I decided to go my own way. I am sorry that it has cost the ones I love deeply.  It has cost you deeply.  But I am not sorry you are here. I am not sorry that I get to wake up every day and see YOUR face smiling at me. I am not sorry that I get to see your love of music and laugh at your funny jokes.  I am not sorry that I have been privileged to watch you grow, to see glimmers of the Lord in you, to see you choose Him and choose life. I am not sorry that I got to wipe your tears and kiss your boo-boos. I am not sorry that I saw your first steps and heard your first words. I am not sorry that I get to watch you jump and run and laugh and write and sing and live.  I am not sorry.

And more importantly than all of that, this is what the Word, the only right answer, says...

" For you formed my inward parts;

                        you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

            I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

            Wonderful are your works;

                        my soul knows it very well.

            My frame was not hidden from you,

            when I was being made in secret,

                        intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

            Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

            in your book were written, every one of them,

                        the days that were formed for me,

                        when as yet there was none of them.

(Psalm 139:13-16 ESV)

So He knew my son. You were not a surprise to Him. 

I love you more than words can say!

Mom

Sometimes

Sometimes I go to the right place last. After I've eaten the junk food or tried to turn on the TV and drown out my thoughts, after I've cleaned furiously and tried to call everyone I know. After all this, then I go to the quiet place. 


I am a forgetful creature.


I know what heals. I know what saves. But sometimes, I go there last. 


And in the midst of all my failures swirling through my mind- in the midst of feeling alone and different than everyone else-in the midst of all these things I know this is true.


The WORD is true. 


and I instruct my soul like David.


Bless the Lord-O my soul and all that is within me bless His holy name!


Bless the Lord O my soul and forget not all His benefits.


He forgives all your iniquity
He heals all your diseases
He redeems your life from the pit
He crowns you with love and mercy
He satisfies your mouth with good 
       so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
                                                
                                                               Psalm 103


Amen

Eliya Grace 10 months

Little girl.  You have more energy than I have ever witnessed in a baby before. You LOVE to climb.  If I would let you, you would go up and down the stairs all day.  Dancing is still top on your list. We will sit for a long time and play music or beat box just to watch you shake your little booty. 


You have started saying words! Dog is your favorite. When we go for walks you get so excited when you see a dog. You also have said sock and bird and foot and of course daddy.  You attempt to say Isaiah, but that is a hard one. We know what you mean. The one thing you don't say is mommy! I have given up trying and know that you will say it eventually.  It has become a funny joke around here, because you only say it if you are really mad or upset.


You have started making so many connections lately.  You pick up my phone and put it to your ear and chatter away. You can pick out family members in pictures and you love reading books about animals. You even kiss the dog in your favorite book "Wake Up Little Ones". 


On another note, you threw your first fit yesterday. You are getting three new teeth, so you have been a little grumpier than usual. 


 We love watching you grow baby girl! It is fascinating and wonderful. You are so loved!